This may turn into a rambling, but that is what my life has been like lately, a whole lot of rambling. My brain isn't shutting down, I have been in constant questioning of my life choices, where my life is now, and where my life will be in the future. I have put my emotions into a self induced roller coaster. Part of my self conquest goal was to find myself. The more I search, the more confused I get. What seemed like the answer even a month ago now is back to questions.
Who am I, and who do I want to be? What is my purpose in life? What are my long term goals? What do I really want for myself? These are some of the questions eating me alive. Who I thought I've wanted to be all of these years, suddenly has no meaning to me.
I'm afraid a lot of this has to do with my past coming back into my thoughts. It's reminding me of all of the good and bad times. One week ago, there was an incident involving my ex-husband. He hasn't left my thoughts since. I have been reminded of what I ran from, and what I miss, and also, what I missed out on. The past that was put behind me, the forgiveness I gave, the memories I pushed back and hid, have come back to me.
My heart aches for him, and mostly his family. This past week, his sister told me that she wished him and I were still married, that I could have continued to try to get him help. My response to her was that I tried, he refused and broke my heart for good. Now, the newest question upon me is what could I have done differently, better, or instead of what I did. Is this what regret feels like? I have lived a life of no regret, take things as they come, and everything happens for a reason. Am I questioning my way of life? Or, am I just having a hard time understanding what exactly it is that I am feeling?
It has made me think about the saying that you never truly get over your first true love. I loved him so much at one time, I would have done anything for him. He wasn't the best person to me, but I always forgave him, even after he cheated, and we divorced, forgiveness was given, even when an apology wasn't offered. It was what I had to do to move forward, and on with my new life.
When I read about him in the newspaper, my first thought was "I am so glad it wasn't me!" I was thankful that I had run away from our relationship when I had the chance. It could have been me still with him. It could have been me that he pulled an assault rifle on. It could be me sitting across from him in court as the victim.
I know I did the right thing, I got away, but why do I have this feeling of guilt that I was the one who got away? Is it because for the first time in four years since our divorce I was finally making something of myself? Is that was this guilt is about? Is it that I bettered myself while he continued to fall? Is it because I didn't try harder to get him the help he needed? Or is it just because I want to be there for the family right now, but I can't because as much as I want to be, I'm no longer in the picture like I was all those years.
I should be happy right now. I'm getting to where I want to be with my career, I'm seeing this amazing man who's only goals in life is to be the best he can be, who wants the world and is willing to sacrifice everything to get it. A man who only wants one thing from me, for me to love him as he is and support him while he works on making a great life that we might possibly share one day. He thinks I'm the most beautiful person, inside and out. He is the first person I've ever been with that makes me think, he pushes my thoughts further than any person I have ever known. We talk for hours about philosophical things, about politics, about finances, about futures, about anything and everything of any substance. We debate, but do not argue, we listen and speak and learn. This is what I have been longing for my entire life. My soul mate... This past week has made me question if I am good enough for him. He tells me I am ridiculous, but he listens to me when I talk, he reassures me that I am everything he could ask for. So why do I still question it? Am I scared to love again? Am I scared to open my heart for fear that once again, when my life is at a peak, that it will come crashing down around me?
How do I learn to let go? How do I learn to accept the great parts of life when it comes my way? This morning, I watched the movie Eat Pray Love. I am also working on reading the book. The movie really made me think more. I think that my thoughts are similar to those questioned in the movie. Obviously, I do not have the money to go to Italy, India, or Bali to spend a year finding myself, so what can I do here at home? My first step is to re-begin my meditations. They brought peace to me before, and I believe that they will again. My mom has also suggested that I get my life back into a routine that I am happy with, and restart going to the gym. She seems to think that this will at least exhaust me so that even if my mind doesn't shut off at night, I will at least sleep. I have become restless... I sleep, but not sound. In the mornings I find my comforter, sheet, and pillows thrown around my bedroom. This is how I know that even though sleep is upon me, I'm not really resting.
It's time to put myself back on track to what I want, it's time that I go back to caring for myself and putting myself first. Once I am back to my full of life self, I think the rest will fall into place!
