So, in March I gave up on my journey, at first I was doing well at maintaining the 33 pounds that I had lost. Now, 3 months later, I have gained some of it back. I canceled my WW subscription. WW works! It really really does, that is if you have the drive to track track track. I just got tired of doing it.
HOPEFULLY I'll figure out a way to get back into the right frame of mind, but right now, we'll just take it day by day and see where life takes me.
I have a great guy in my life right now, and he is happy with me any way, shape or form I am, as long as I'm happy with myself. Since that was part of my motivation in the beginning, I guess I feel I don't need to become smaller so people will see more than just fat.
:) I'm happy right now, and that's the most important thing!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
looking inside of myself...
This may turn into a rambling, but that is what my life has been like lately, a whole lot of rambling. My brain isn't shutting down, I have been in constant questioning of my life choices, where my life is now, and where my life will be in the future. I have put my emotions into a self induced roller coaster. Part of my self conquest goal was to find myself. The more I search, the more confused I get. What seemed like the answer even a month ago now is back to questions.
Who am I, and who do I want to be? What is my purpose in life? What are my long term goals? What do I really want for myself? These are some of the questions eating me alive. Who I thought I've wanted to be all of these years, suddenly has no meaning to me.
I'm afraid a lot of this has to do with my past coming back into my thoughts. It's reminding me of all of the good and bad times. One week ago, there was an incident involving my ex-husband. He hasn't left my thoughts since. I have been reminded of what I ran from, and what I miss, and also, what I missed out on. The past that was put behind me, the forgiveness I gave, the memories I pushed back and hid, have come back to me.
My heart aches for him, and mostly his family. This past week, his sister told me that she wished him and I were still married, that I could have continued to try to get him help. My response to her was that I tried, he refused and broke my heart for good. Now, the newest question upon me is what could I have done differently, better, or instead of what I did. Is this what regret feels like? I have lived a life of no regret, take things as they come, and everything happens for a reason. Am I questioning my way of life? Or, am I just having a hard time understanding what exactly it is that I am feeling?
It has made me think about the saying that you never truly get over your first true love. I loved him so much at one time, I would have done anything for him. He wasn't the best person to me, but I always forgave him, even after he cheated, and we divorced, forgiveness was given, even when an apology wasn't offered. It was what I had to do to move forward, and on with my new life.
When I read about him in the newspaper, my first thought was "I am so glad it wasn't me!" I was thankful that I had run away from our relationship when I had the chance. It could have been me still with him. It could have been me that he pulled an assault rifle on. It could be me sitting across from him in court as the victim.
I know I did the right thing, I got away, but why do I have this feeling of guilt that I was the one who got away? Is it because for the first time in four years since our divorce I was finally making something of myself? Is that was this guilt is about? Is it that I bettered myself while he continued to fall? Is it because I didn't try harder to get him the help he needed? Or is it just because I want to be there for the family right now, but I can't because as much as I want to be, I'm no longer in the picture like I was all those years.
I should be happy right now. I'm getting to where I want to be with my career, I'm seeing this amazing man who's only goals in life is to be the best he can be, who wants the world and is willing to sacrifice everything to get it. A man who only wants one thing from me, for me to love him as he is and support him while he works on making a great life that we might possibly share one day. He thinks I'm the most beautiful person, inside and out. He is the first person I've ever been with that makes me think, he pushes my thoughts further than any person I have ever known. We talk for hours about philosophical things, about politics, about finances, about futures, about anything and everything of any substance. We debate, but do not argue, we listen and speak and learn. This is what I have been longing for my entire life. My soul mate... This past week has made me question if I am good enough for him. He tells me I am ridiculous, but he listens to me when I talk, he reassures me that I am everything he could ask for. So why do I still question it? Am I scared to love again? Am I scared to open my heart for fear that once again, when my life is at a peak, that it will come crashing down around me?
How do I learn to let go? How do I learn to accept the great parts of life when it comes my way? This morning, I watched the movie Eat Pray Love. I am also working on reading the book. The movie really made me think more. I think that my thoughts are similar to those questioned in the movie. Obviously, I do not have the money to go to Italy, India, or Bali to spend a year finding myself, so what can I do here at home? My first step is to re-begin my meditations. They brought peace to me before, and I believe that they will again. My mom has also suggested that I get my life back into a routine that I am happy with, and restart going to the gym. She seems to think that this will at least exhaust me so that even if my mind doesn't shut off at night, I will at least sleep. I have become restless... I sleep, but not sound. In the mornings I find my comforter, sheet, and pillows thrown around my bedroom. This is how I know that even though sleep is upon me, I'm not really resting.
It's time to put myself back on track to what I want, it's time that I go back to caring for myself and putting myself first. Once I am back to my full of life self, I think the rest will fall into place!
Who am I, and who do I want to be? What is my purpose in life? What are my long term goals? What do I really want for myself? These are some of the questions eating me alive. Who I thought I've wanted to be all of these years, suddenly has no meaning to me.
I'm afraid a lot of this has to do with my past coming back into my thoughts. It's reminding me of all of the good and bad times. One week ago, there was an incident involving my ex-husband. He hasn't left my thoughts since. I have been reminded of what I ran from, and what I miss, and also, what I missed out on. The past that was put behind me, the forgiveness I gave, the memories I pushed back and hid, have come back to me.
My heart aches for him, and mostly his family. This past week, his sister told me that she wished him and I were still married, that I could have continued to try to get him help. My response to her was that I tried, he refused and broke my heart for good. Now, the newest question upon me is what could I have done differently, better, or instead of what I did. Is this what regret feels like? I have lived a life of no regret, take things as they come, and everything happens for a reason. Am I questioning my way of life? Or, am I just having a hard time understanding what exactly it is that I am feeling?
It has made me think about the saying that you never truly get over your first true love. I loved him so much at one time, I would have done anything for him. He wasn't the best person to me, but I always forgave him, even after he cheated, and we divorced, forgiveness was given, even when an apology wasn't offered. It was what I had to do to move forward, and on with my new life.
When I read about him in the newspaper, my first thought was "I am so glad it wasn't me!" I was thankful that I had run away from our relationship when I had the chance. It could have been me still with him. It could have been me that he pulled an assault rifle on. It could be me sitting across from him in court as the victim.
I know I did the right thing, I got away, but why do I have this feeling of guilt that I was the one who got away? Is it because for the first time in four years since our divorce I was finally making something of myself? Is that was this guilt is about? Is it that I bettered myself while he continued to fall? Is it because I didn't try harder to get him the help he needed? Or is it just because I want to be there for the family right now, but I can't because as much as I want to be, I'm no longer in the picture like I was all those years.
I should be happy right now. I'm getting to where I want to be with my career, I'm seeing this amazing man who's only goals in life is to be the best he can be, who wants the world and is willing to sacrifice everything to get it. A man who only wants one thing from me, for me to love him as he is and support him while he works on making a great life that we might possibly share one day. He thinks I'm the most beautiful person, inside and out. He is the first person I've ever been with that makes me think, he pushes my thoughts further than any person I have ever known. We talk for hours about philosophical things, about politics, about finances, about futures, about anything and everything of any substance. We debate, but do not argue, we listen and speak and learn. This is what I have been longing for my entire life. My soul mate... This past week has made me question if I am good enough for him. He tells me I am ridiculous, but he listens to me when I talk, he reassures me that I am everything he could ask for. So why do I still question it? Am I scared to love again? Am I scared to open my heart for fear that once again, when my life is at a peak, that it will come crashing down around me?
How do I learn to let go? How do I learn to accept the great parts of life when it comes my way? This morning, I watched the movie Eat Pray Love. I am also working on reading the book. The movie really made me think more. I think that my thoughts are similar to those questioned in the movie. Obviously, I do not have the money to go to Italy, India, or Bali to spend a year finding myself, so what can I do here at home? My first step is to re-begin my meditations. They brought peace to me before, and I believe that they will again. My mom has also suggested that I get my life back into a routine that I am happy with, and restart going to the gym. She seems to think that this will at least exhaust me so that even if my mind doesn't shut off at night, I will at least sleep. I have become restless... I sleep, but not sound. In the mornings I find my comforter, sheet, and pillows thrown around my bedroom. This is how I know that even though sleep is upon me, I'm not really resting.
It's time to put myself back on track to what I want, it's time that I go back to caring for myself and putting myself first. Once I am back to my full of life self, I think the rest will fall into place!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
getting back into the groove...
I haven't been following my new lifestyle plan very well lately. I have sat back and watched the scale bobble up and down. Well guess what! I am tired of my self pity party, and I am back on track, or at least in the right direction to be on track. As of this morning I hit the 32 lb loss mark! (shhh it was a sneak peek from actual weigh in Thursday).
Here is my 28 lb loss before and after, lets hope I can figure out how to post it! LOL
Yay! It worked! Tonight, I also had dad do a full body length reinactment of a photo taken of me back in August when I was at top weight, before I decided to make a change in December. Now, I just have to wait for him to send me the pics! LOL
I'm in a particularly good mood tonight, which is great, it's been a while since I have been.
Here is my 28 lb loss before and after, lets hope I can figure out how to post it! LOL
Yay! It worked! Tonight, I also had dad do a full body length reinactment of a photo taken of me back in August when I was at top weight, before I decided to make a change in December. Now, I just have to wait for him to send me the pics! LOL
I'm in a particularly good mood tonight, which is great, it's been a while since I have been.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
when will it end...
So, I guess I got dumped. It's hard to say for sure, but I'm thinking its over. He was acting strange last week, he quit texting me during the day, and our phone conversations in the evening were only a couple minutes long. I talked to him Friday night, he seemed fine, said he was tired and that he was going to bed. I said good night, call me tomorrow, he said he would. Well, it's now 3 days later and I have yet to hear from him. He didn't respond to either of my two texts I sent him, nor returned my phone call this afternoon.
Since I met him online, on a dating website, I decided tonight to log in and see if his account was active. Sure enough, he was online there. I sent him a text telling him that if he was done with us that he could at least give me the courtesy of a phone call saying so. I mean HELLO, you are 37 years old, you would think you would know how to act like an adult by now. I guess not, so since he isn't responding to me at all, I think it's fair to assume that I'm single again. Oh well, I'll mail him a picture of me in a year when I get close to goal and tell him to eat his effin heart out! I'm gonna be one hott babe and he will just have to cry about it! LOL
It still sucks though, we've been together about 4 months now, so it's not like it's a new relationship, but at the same time, it was never super serious. I honestly was starting to have doubts that he was the "one" for me, but I liked him enough to see where we could go with each other. I guess my mind has been made up for me.
Since I met him online, on a dating website, I decided tonight to log in and see if his account was active. Sure enough, he was online there. I sent him a text telling him that if he was done with us that he could at least give me the courtesy of a phone call saying so. I mean HELLO, you are 37 years old, you would think you would know how to act like an adult by now. I guess not, so since he isn't responding to me at all, I think it's fair to assume that I'm single again. Oh well, I'll mail him a picture of me in a year when I get close to goal and tell him to eat his effin heart out! I'm gonna be one hott babe and he will just have to cry about it! LOL
It still sucks though, we've been together about 4 months now, so it's not like it's a new relationship, but at the same time, it was never super serious. I honestly was starting to have doubts that he was the "one" for me, but I liked him enough to see where we could go with each other. I guess my mind has been made up for me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
the funk...
I weighed in on Thursday, after being sick for a week, then not quite back to myself the next week, I had quit tracking and slacked off at the gym (4 activity points earned in 2 weeks, bad...). I was lucky with the fact that my horrible eating habits had only given me a .2 lb gain. This was my first gain since I joined Weight Watchers 3 months ago, and I was seriously bummed! This threw me into a funk. I was so depressed that I began to eat EVERYTHING! I couldn't stop myself. I was making myself go to the gym daily, but after having a 50 point day on Thursday, followed by a 81 point day Friday, I just knew I needed to snap out of it. I ran out of weekly points and even though I have been earning activity points, I was still in the red.
I made it known publicly (WW message boards, and to my fitness buddies on FB) that I was in a bad place and I needed the accountability to get out of the funk. Admitting to the "world" that I was so off track seemed to do the trick. I have been back on plan for 2 days now, and today marked my 5th day in a row of hitting the gym. I even stepped out of my comfort zone tonight and attempted the eliptical machine again. I haven't been on it for 6 weeks since I joined the gym. My first attempt with it, I was only able to last 1.5 minutes before I thought I was dying. Tonight, 6 weeks later and a much stronger heart, I was able to last 5 minutes and 27 seconds before thinking I was dying and that I just couldn't handle it anymore. Once I hopped off, I did a slow walk around to lower my heart rate to a safer level and got on the bike and did a new routine, but maintained my normal time.
I feel incredible tonight, my legs are like jello, and my body hurts, but I'm just so invigorated! I'm back on track and so much happier with myself right now. I know it's a long shot with all of the crap I started my week off with, but I am hoping to see a loss this week. I am only 3.4 lbs away from my 10% goal, I am so close that I can taste it! Victory will be mine! I can't wait to post progress pics once I hit the 10% to see if I can tell a difference.
I made it known publicly (WW message boards, and to my fitness buddies on FB) that I was in a bad place and I needed the accountability to get out of the funk. Admitting to the "world" that I was so off track seemed to do the trick. I have been back on plan for 2 days now, and today marked my 5th day in a row of hitting the gym. I even stepped out of my comfort zone tonight and attempted the eliptical machine again. I haven't been on it for 6 weeks since I joined the gym. My first attempt with it, I was only able to last 1.5 minutes before I thought I was dying. Tonight, 6 weeks later and a much stronger heart, I was able to last 5 minutes and 27 seconds before thinking I was dying and that I just couldn't handle it anymore. Once I hopped off, I did a slow walk around to lower my heart rate to a safer level and got on the bike and did a new routine, but maintained my normal time.
I feel incredible tonight, my legs are like jello, and my body hurts, but I'm just so invigorated! I'm back on track and so much happier with myself right now. I know it's a long shot with all of the crap I started my week off with, but I am hoping to see a loss this week. I am only 3.4 lbs away from my 10% goal, I am so close that I can taste it! Victory will be mine! I can't wait to post progress pics once I hit the 10% to see if I can tell a difference.
Monday, March 7, 2011
what a lucky woman...
I had a great weekend! Saturday morning my friend and went to the River Center where they were having a Women's Health and Wellness fair with all proceeds going to the Susan G. Komen foundation. It was fun, we spent a couple hours there, then went to the Olive Garden for lunch. YUM!!! I had the Asiago Ravioli with Chicken in a yummy white sauce.
Saturday night I headed up to the farm. Well... the LONG straight-a-way between Cordova and Albany did it to me again... flying down the highway, not realizing how fast I was going and passed a cop. He pulled a U-turn and hit his lights... Man, I was making good time too was all I could think. I knew I was busted, I figured I was doing about 10 mph over. So he comes up to my window.
"License and insurance card please. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Speeding..." with the awe man I got caught tone.
"Are you aware of your speed?"
"Ummm.. I'm guessing 65ish, but I wasn't watching it."
"72... give me a minute I need to run these." and walks back to his car.
So there I am sitting there waiting, trying to decide how much a ticket for 17 mph over the speed limit was going to cost me... 10 minutes later he comes back. He hands me my license back and flips open his book and starts to tear the paper out.
"So, can you please do me a favor tonight?" I nod "Will you slow down?"
I nod again waiting for the ticket.
"I'm giving you a written warning tonight, but just slow down!!!" Then he winked!
Thank you very cute police officer for not giving me a ticket! If I was single I might have asked you for your phone number, well, I would have thought about it, not sure if I would have the courage to do so LOL! There was more to the conversation that we had, but that was the only talk that pertained to me being pulled over. The rest was small chat while he looked over my insurance card and finished writing up the warning.
After I got to the farm we went out to dinner with Chad's family for his mom's birthday. I wasn't feeling well, so I didn't have much fun. After dinner we headed to a little shit-hole bar, they were having a Mardi Gras party. It was packed, the DJ was too loud and it was soooo hot in there. I finally had to excuse myself from the family and go sit outside. Luckily everyone decided to migrate down the road to a less crowded bar. Now this place is my kind of bar, most of the time at least. It's a quiet place. I started feeling better while we were there and I was able to have a good time.
Nothing exciting happened today. I made some turkey burgers for dinner. They are so yummy! I'll have to post the recipe later when I'm not so tired! I am officially off to bed now though!
Saturday night I headed up to the farm. Well... the LONG straight-a-way between Cordova and Albany did it to me again... flying down the highway, not realizing how fast I was going and passed a cop. He pulled a U-turn and hit his lights... Man, I was making good time too was all I could think. I knew I was busted, I figured I was doing about 10 mph over. So he comes up to my window.
"License and insurance card please. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Speeding..." with the awe man I got caught tone.
"Are you aware of your speed?"
"Ummm.. I'm guessing 65ish, but I wasn't watching it."
"72... give me a minute I need to run these." and walks back to his car.
So there I am sitting there waiting, trying to decide how much a ticket for 17 mph over the speed limit was going to cost me... 10 minutes later he comes back. He hands me my license back and flips open his book and starts to tear the paper out.
"So, can you please do me a favor tonight?" I nod "Will you slow down?"
I nod again waiting for the ticket.
"I'm giving you a written warning tonight, but just slow down!!!" Then he winked!
Thank you very cute police officer for not giving me a ticket! If I was single I might have asked you for your phone number, well, I would have thought about it, not sure if I would have the courage to do so LOL! There was more to the conversation that we had, but that was the only talk that pertained to me being pulled over. The rest was small chat while he looked over my insurance card and finished writing up the warning.
After I got to the farm we went out to dinner with Chad's family for his mom's birthday. I wasn't feeling well, so I didn't have much fun. After dinner we headed to a little shit-hole bar, they were having a Mardi Gras party. It was packed, the DJ was too loud and it was soooo hot in there. I finally had to excuse myself from the family and go sit outside. Luckily everyone decided to migrate down the road to a less crowded bar. Now this place is my kind of bar, most of the time at least. It's a quiet place. I started feeling better while we were there and I was able to have a good time.
Nothing exciting happened today. I made some turkey burgers for dinner. They are so yummy! I'll have to post the recipe later when I'm not so tired! I am officially off to bed now though!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
shopaholic today...
So today I finally had, had it with my jeans. They had gotten to be way too big on me to the point where my belt didn't even want to hold them up anymore. I got off work at 4pm and didn't have to be anywhere until 6:15, so I headed out to the mall. I stopped at Gordman's first. I went straight to the jeans, grabbed two pairs that were two sizes smaller than the ones I had on. I went to the fitting room, almost expecting to be a little pissed off because they didn't fit. Boy was I wrong! Two sizes smaller than my jeans fit perfectly!!! I have never ever been able to walk into a store, grab items off the rack and everything fit on the first attempt. I'm usually so pissed by the time I'm done shopping that I cry. I was so excited that both pairs of jeans fit that I bought them both! haha! Yay!
After my Uncle's surprise birthday party, I decided that I wasn't done shopping, that I needed a new shirt to go with my new jeans! I headed out to Kohl's. I've always had a hard time finding clothes there, but I had already been to all the other "plus" size stores in the mall, so I sort of felt like this was my last option. I've always found in the past that their clothes in the larger sizes are very old ladyish, well, an older style than I wear anyways. I did some browsing and decided screw it, I want to be fashionable for my age, so I headed over to the smaller clothes. I found a couple shirts in 1X and headed to the fitting room... HOLY HELL!!! THEY FIT!!!! Oh, and they don't just fit, they look AMAZING on me!!! I can't wait to wear a new outfit! I told my boyfriend that I can't wait til he sees me in my new clothes because I look hott! haha!
Tomorrow my friend and I are going to attend a Women's Health and Fitness fair. I don't exactly know what its all about, but it's only $1 to get in and all proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen foundation. Maybe they will have a booth set up so I can register for the 5k on June 11th. I'm hoping that I can get a huge group of people to walk with me this year. We had a fairly good size group last year, but we had nasty storms that day and after sitting in the bus depot for a couple hours they finally canceled the race. I was so out of shape and dreading the pain after the race that I didn't mind, but this year, I can do a 5k no problem!!!
After my Uncle's surprise birthday party, I decided that I wasn't done shopping, that I needed a new shirt to go with my new jeans! I headed out to Kohl's. I've always had a hard time finding clothes there, but I had already been to all the other "plus" size stores in the mall, so I sort of felt like this was my last option. I've always found in the past that their clothes in the larger sizes are very old ladyish, well, an older style than I wear anyways. I did some browsing and decided screw it, I want to be fashionable for my age, so I headed over to the smaller clothes. I found a couple shirts in 1X and headed to the fitting room... HOLY HELL!!! THEY FIT!!!! Oh, and they don't just fit, they look AMAZING on me!!! I can't wait to wear a new outfit! I told my boyfriend that I can't wait til he sees me in my new clothes because I look hott! haha!
Tomorrow my friend and I are going to attend a Women's Health and Fitness fair. I don't exactly know what its all about, but it's only $1 to get in and all proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen foundation. Maybe they will have a booth set up so I can register for the 5k on June 11th. I'm hoping that I can get a huge group of people to walk with me this year. We had a fairly good size group last year, but we had nasty storms that day and after sitting in the bus depot for a couple hours they finally canceled the race. I was so out of shape and dreading the pain after the race that I didn't mind, but this year, I can do a 5k no problem!!!
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